Growing up knowing what only seemed to be pain, feer and abandonment, I looked for a way out. A way to feel better, anything that looked exciting or fun, and I was there. Addicted to losing myself in the moment, allways searching for another way to forget and just be in the moment. Adrenalin seemed to be the easiest way to forget at first, then it was something else, as I got older there was something that didn't require a wave or a board. All it required was a picture and a look, a look that said you are desirable and pleasurable, and there I was lost in a moment forgetting the pain, but after the moment passed there I was again back in my world searching for another way to forget. As I got older still, I Looked for it in people that would never be real, but searching just like me. 

 As we searched we allways passed to the left, high in clouds of smoke in a car heading to a mountian, a beach, or to find some company in a beautiful face looking for a moment as well. Then later some found powder and pills, needles and balls of tinfoil, while i ran from those things I found something else that was there, all along.  I found my Father a king, the King of heaven who called me son, who said I love you, I forgave you, I desire you, I searched day and night for you, He called me His beloved. And in that moment I knew I found the One, and that my journey had just begun. 

Homeless man on a train.

So what are we thinking when we look at the man sitting across from us who has clearly shit his pants, what do we think when we look at the man who has no home, has no place to sleep, who just has his suitcase and soiled pants. Do we just think wow I'm glad that's not me or anyone I know, or do we just look away and pretend we can't see taste or smell the person sitting across from us. Do we just walk to another part of the train, to avoid the assualt on our senses and emotions. Or does our heart break as we sit in silence pretending not to feel, taste see or smell the person sitting across from us who has clearly soiled themselves. Do we question why someone would try and help the man, off the train, do we laugh inside thinking I'm sure glad I'm not trying to help, or are we wondering why didn't I stand up, why didn't I help or where we to busy trying to ignore the asault on our senses and our emotions, but the jokes on us cause the asault didn't end with the man, getting off the train for the smell is still lingering and reminding us of him, but we settle back thinking im just glad it's no one I know. But I'd like to ask, what if it was someone you knew, would it really change anything, I'm sure that man had friends and family at one point, maybe they are doing what we are doing, and just trying to ignore the asault on there senses. 

Something encouraging!!

God you bring healing in your presence.      

 You part the cloudy skies in my head restoring who I really am who you made me to be! 

As my heart beats so fast it feels as if it's going to burst in this tidalwave of emotion.    as You part the clouds in my head, I see You, I see You standing there telling me to come and be with You to rest in Your presence, and in that instant Your words    cause my heart to burst in an overwhelming explosion of fire, for it has wanted to hear those words since it's first beat. You tell me that that is how I have felt for you since before you where concieved, and again my heart bursts, bursts in an overwhelming explosion of Love and emotion, God I can't handle this my mouth cries out I can't handle this fire burning in me I can't contain it I can't contain this!!!  then I hear You say " it isn't to be containd my son, it is to burn bright! to bring light to the darkest places in this world to illuminate those dark places to bring healing to the hearts of those you come  across, to purify to bring out the gold, for there is gold all around you but unless you burn bright in My love in My presence you won't be able to see it for it's hidden in the dark places, hidden beneath feer, shame, guilt, anger, unforgiveness, lies and every other thing the enemy has used to try and cover the gold in people's hearts, so go forth burn bright in My love in My presence! Speek life to the dry broken places! as I hear this I feel so ashamed that I've bean so afraid to let that fire burn in me, but that feeling melts away almost in the same instant it came, for I could hear my Father tell me I am his beloved and that His heart burns for me that it cries out day and night for me. In hearing those words my heart explodes again and I can't contain it I won't contain it!! for in You presence is where I belong ,in your firery presence is where I long to be, I don't ever want to let this fire go out! 

Inner thoughts on creativity

  What's the use of being creative if your not creating. I hate this feeling, this feeling like I should be creating, but have no idea what to creat. I should be making art, a song, a drawing, anything new really. Instead I sit with this pit in my stomach, wishing I could use this creativity inside to creat, but instead I watch movies and read stories created by others. I haven't picked up a pen in months and to finally do so is amazing, even if it's to write about how lazy I feel. I feel like I've been wasting everything that's been given me. That's not such a good feeling. So I will write, I will draw, I will design and build, and this is the way it will start, on this page with this pen. Wow I feel suprisingly better, all I need now is to not stop creating and at the very least write words that haven't been written before. 

 After all we were created to creat, so it should come as no suprise that creating and being creative brings such a sense of fulfillment. Even if it's just words on a screen or on a piece of paper.